AIR Edition #10

Lets get it started in here – lets get it started in here….(Black Eyed Peas) and yes that is Fergie!

Soooo I want to start off tonight with an apology. It is this, I wanted to show you that I predicted last night pretty well before the show aired. But since I didn’t put it in writing I can’t really take any credit for it now can I? So what did you predict Andy? Thanks for asking (Even though that was my inside voice and not one of you guys, hehe) I’d be happy to tell you.

We all knew they would be performing 3 songs. That much was a given. I do admit that I had no idea which order they would be singing them in. But, this is what I was assured of, first round the judges would give positive remarks to all singers. The second round would be the ‘You gotta bring it and that wasn’t it or your thing’. And the third round they position the voters, America, for who should be on stage in next week’s finale.

If you don’t believe any of this, please email my wife. She will surely back me up on this, won’t you Sarah?

“Bring ‘em on out, How BOUT them JAAAZZZZZZ!” Oh wait a minute… wrong announcer voice impersonation.

We have a little high schooler and an actress and the Professor and Mary Ann, here on Gilligans Isle!!! Oh I better not forget the Barrrrrtender with the big skull and crappy hair, hehe.

Ryan Seafoam’s little spin around introduction complete with a metrosexual snapping his fingers dealie-o was pretty queer. Anyone notice? Go Ryan.

Introductions of our judges Randy and Paula and yet again, Simon’s smug look on his face like he has never been on television is getting a little old. What is ‘his thing’ people???

So we find out that the judges selected songs are first (wow am I good or what?) – this is going to be a slamdunk. So did anyone else wonder how it was decided which judge selected for which contestant? Did I miss that? Does anyone know? Anyhow, back to the competition, the judges will all praise their own selections and positive vibes will goo all over the place. Song #2 is a personal selection and Song #3 will be chosen by the producers. Syesha and David get their ‘picks’ in the form of a text message and once again, how stupid can the state of Utah look to America? What in the world mister handlebar mustache? Complete with his 4th of July shirt. Its May DUDE!!! Gawsh! Utahns Unite! That Mayor Snard? …looked like an auctioneer!

So Archie sporting an old Ho Jo look sans the hat right out of the 80’s with the tie loose around his color and his ‘Members Only’ leather jacket. Paula chooses Davey’s song “And So it Goes” by Billy Joel, selecting it based on “difficulty and showcasing the timbre” (pronounced “TAM-ber”) in his voice. As usual – he kills it. This kid is pretty much a ballad waiting to happen isn’t he? Randy, fresh out of anything new to say about David, relies on the old cliché, “You can sing the phonebook dude.” Paula ‘shines’ through with her “it was a beautiful and sunny performance.” Simon states that there are no surprises. Oh, King of the Obvious Simon, how many songs have these 3 performed now? 15-20? How could they do anything to surprise us? Which leads me to my next conspiracy theory… ready?

Conspiracy Theory #106… Does it really matter if they actually sing tonight or for that matter next week? I mean really – what else can they do? It’s a complete popularity contest at this point and short of falling off stage, forgetting the lyrics, or having a wardrobe malfunction, its over isn’t it? Of course when its over…. We won’t have anything to talk about now would we?

On with the show… Syesha gets to sing, get this, “My favorite! Alicia Keys!”. Anyone else keeping score on how many favorites she has now? They are all her favorites! This reminds me of a Brian Regan comedy bit about when he was a little boy and both Grape and Cherry snow cones are favorites! BOTH Favorites, One just a little more ‘Favorite’ than the other. Randy thinks he is so happy for ‘peaking’ at the right time in the competition. And as predicted, they all got positive raves from the judges. Telling tidbit from Ryan after she sang… So people are basically calling you a sandbagger, is that fair? To which she replies, “I just get sooo nervous”. Yeah Right – we ain’t buying that SHY-esha! Come awn. Just ask ‘the chair’ in her next performance.

David Cook kicking it on Fox News…and a poorly ‘scripted’ – (Seriously, do you think we are that dumb to think that it wasn’t?) “Ohh look how unprofessional I am, I forgot to turn off my cell phone goll darn shucks. Let me kiss my hands and bow to the camera for forgiveness. Roberta Flack – “The first time ever I saw your face” chosen by Cowell. Who choosed who chose for the idolers? Did I already mention that? David does an “ok” job with it. The judges goosh and moosh, not surprising. Randy and Simon go toe to toe about the predictability of the song. The comment of the night… “First round goes to Cook and Cowell.” Did he just wish his mom a Happy Belated Mothers Day? Was that cool or was that a cover up for him forgetting to call his mum???

Archie chooses ‘With You’ by Chris Brown. For those who of you under a rock, Chris Brown is Lava Hot these days and well, being well known you gotta kinda ‘bring it’. Oh and one other thing, David Archuleta is white. (Did you catch him saying that at the end to the judges?) “Yeah I’m not black.” Hehe. There are a couple of things Dave that you need to know about White Men besides not being able to ‘Jump’. It was a little awkward Dave but proud that he did something different. At first I have to admit that the judges seem to be posturing Archie out… but that would be quashed after his next performance.

Shyesha and that “Chay-er”. Yes that chayer. On sale now, SHYesha ‘working the chair!’ Sings ‘Fever’. Sporting a very short short skirt. Wonder what she is thinking… NOT. SO the shy and nervous girl sells it! I am not buying. She is anything but, shy. But the most amazing thing to me was that Paula blasted her. Paula! Wow, she who never has a horrible thing to say about anyone. Last week she made her cry, this week she made her cry for an entirely different reason! Boo Hoo! I got a fever for the flavor of a pringle!

Cook uses his slight of hand. Now come awn guys (gals), the rocker vibe is cool but go with me here on this one. David is not the best vocalist, he uses his guitar as a way to divert you from his voice. He strums 3 chords and that’s it. Don’t get me started on the screaming action. When a rocker screams lyrics – they hide that they can’t sing. David is talented, don’t get me wrong and people will buy his stuff. He will never be a Daughtry in my mind. He will latch on to a band and provide the lyrics but he will not hold a guitar that he doesn’t play for them. The song he butchers is called “Dare you to Move” by Switchfoot. It is a great song and he did it no favors. Pitchy in parts (Randy) and I even heard it. Paula for once, I agreed with! Every song has a beginning and a middle and an end. Dave’s hack job just never got over the start part and it was over. Grade B at best dude. The arrogance this guy has is amazing though. He is not even listening to Paula who says the second best quote of the night, “As you unwind from your guitar.” Humble up man! You haven’t won yet.

Final round; Archie sings the producer picked “Longer” by Dan Fogelberg. This song is older than all of the mentors on this season. Great song but it was so yesteryear – Simon quips, “You did a good job with it but those lyrics and sap are horrible!” Paula just states “Lovely lovely lovely”. I do think that David moves on to the finals. Wouldn’t it be an absolute shocker to have Syesha make it with one of the Davids? Oh man Vegas would be screwed! Mail it in… Whoever is not named Syesha would have a 1-1 odds on winning chance. There would be NO odds.

SHYesha – I don’t even know what she is singing and I am not loving it at all, so I’d rather just type again, does it really matter? It is such a foregone conclusion that this season will end in a battle of the Davids. She rocks the hips tho. Sultry Shyesha laying the beat down. The judges then SPIKE! Poor Syesha hard core. Paula just pummeling her into the sand by saying, “I don’t think that its good enough to get you into the finals.” Has Paula ever said anything that harsh? Whoa doggie! Should I even throw out a conspiracy theory #107? Was Paula in fact pleading for America to vote Syesha??? Gotta wonder…

Last song, thank goodness. The producers select, I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith. Wow, so think about what you remember about this song? Girls, you think Ben Affleck don’t you? You don’t think about Steven Tyler and his huge mouth do you? Guys, yeah we see Liv Tyler’s tight little tan tummy and get hungry for Animal Crackers all of a sudden. Go figure. ☺ (If you are thinking, what in the world is he talking about, see Armageddon.) David does a much better job of this song, drumroll please…setting up a classic showdown next week. Paula is freakin in love with the skull baby. Standing up and applauding him like a, well like a girl who is having a 15 year old birthday party and needs a date. Hehe Did I mention how his humble arrogance is making me sick?

Who will be David and who will be Goliath? How many songs do they sing? What is the format? How brutal will the judges be next week? I am predicting that the judges are all going to tout the humble arrogant Cook to win it all. Simon will, no doubt, plead that this is American Idol, and that DC is going to be Much MORE successful than Archie at selling his voice. Paula will do her very best at controlling her puppies and drool. And Randy will be just ‘Dawging it’ up and down and will basically call it ‘even’ between the two of them.

Decrypted – Shyesha sang her last American idol song, the Davids move on and America watches as they are so polar opposite in everything they sing and are.

I am not going to close this epistle as easy as it could be and quote scripture about the story of David slaying Goliath. I mean I am corny, but not corny. ☺

“I’m not going to lie to you… I am IRONMAN!” (Tony Stark)

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