AIR – FINALE EDITION

Lets get Rrrready to Rrrrrruuuuuumble!

How hokey can it get??? Seriously folks, Michael Buffer with a million dollar ‘fight voice‘, (I say that because it is true). I was working with a company and I personally looked into how much $ it would cost for him to do his little announcement at our event and, yep… 1 million dollahs. Amazing. Fight night theme. Fight robes? Oh please no! Introductions, “Out of the red corner”… Sheesh this is lame.

Gratituitous shots of the audience reveal a few of the Top 12; there is Ranchhand Barbie (wearing a costume right out of Michael Jackson’s Thriller video complete with zombie hair), Micheal Johns (wondering how on earth he drew the lucky card and got to sit by her. Yo Michael! That’s Kevin’s seat! Hehe). Carly Smithson and Brooke White sitting next to Jason Castro who is still stoned and caught yawning. Oh and Shyesha fresh off her “chay-er” performance, and uh Elvira is there sitting next to the ‘mostly male clientele’ stripper David, who is wondering why his name wasn’t enough to land him in the finals. Oh and right there… Almost missed is teeny tiny Polly Pocket Ramielle next to the Soul Daddy, Chikezie. Welcome.

There’s Luke Perry and his kids – awwww how precious….

Let’s get the conspiracy theories out right now shall we? Yeah yeah I am so sure that all David Cook fans will say that he is throwing in the towel (boxing reference – thank you) tonight – he stands to make more money by losing than being locked into an A.I. record deal. Who buys that? Not me.

Out steps our lovable, huggable squeezable host, Ryan Seacrest and he is sporting EYELINER! Hey Ryan, you know how I know you’re gay?… Haha

So here we go…stacking up the competition. “Which one of them is prepared to dare more than the other?” “Neither of them have ever in the bottom 3″ – yeah like we needed to be reminded of that? No matter how bright the lights no matter how stupid this theme is for the night…

Guess what? It still comes down to America’s vote!

Randy what do you think? You need to bring it – this is a duel!

Hahaha! Paula is introduced and still barely can make her fingers do the ‘I love you’ sign. That’s funny to me.

Simon is the ultimate ‘playah hater’ and admonishes the Davids to hate their opponent.

(Anyone noticed that number of times the sponsor “Nokia” was mentioned by the opening judges’ remarks? If you missed it, Both Paula and Randy in stride make mention and they receive a nice $5000 bonus in their pay check today. Simon, well he just can’t be ‘bought’)

Eyeliner boy asks them if they want to say anything before they begin and …

Archie just goes for the jugular with a compliment! Take that. And Cook “tritely” returns the volley. Game on.

Round 1 – Clive Davis

(Who the hell wants to listen to Jim Lampley???) Huh?!

David Cook – U2 – Still haven’t found what I’m looking For

Ok who hasn’t listened to this song LESS than 200 times?? Nice to see that he ditched his 3
chord guitar, wonder who told him to stop pretending to play it? Hehe
and BIG SURPRISE, the audience LOVES U2. They are probably the MOST recognizable band of this generation. This is a huuuge song and for the most part he doesn’t hack it up too badly. He does it justice but not a ‘wowza’ performance by any means. I am not sure what Bono would think. Now if David Cook pledged a couple large ones to African Aid, Bono might love it and him!

The judges? Randy says, “Way to start off this duel of 2007!” What the heck? 2007??? Paula is so in love with him. Droolin all over the place. She fumbles on the words. And Simon, well he gives him a just plain “phenomenal”.

Archie – Elton John – Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.

Don’t close your eyes little boy! I was not partial to the whole sit down on the stage stairs look. He has the pipes to nail it once the song gets going. Had a couple of rough parts here and there I thought. Didn’t he look like he was exhausted after the song? He looked like he was going to fall over. Let’s see what Randy says? I am sure that he will lightly bash him. Paula will say something stupid and just ‘you were pretty’.

Randy says, “It was unbelievably molten hot!” ‘Crazy vocals! Crazy vocals! Oh my. Paula is butchering the title of the song. Simon brings it back to reality, Wow he says that “this was your best performance of the year”. Simon exclaims Round One goes to Archuleta.

(Like we wouldn’t know that Archie would be anointed the winner of the
first round and then Cook be proclaimed the winner of Round 2 and 3??? Come
awn! We aren’t stupid!!!)

Sir Webber rolls out of his coffin, I swear he must be a vampire.

Jim Lampley is a total waste of TV!!

Round 2 – Cook sings Dream Big and out comes the 3 chord guitar! Here he
goes – screaming and the rocker vibe is on. Can’t understand a word that he
is singing. Ok maybe that is an exaggeration. I understand about every 4th
word! Was he actually playing that guitar? I swear it is the worst guitar
strum action I have ever seen!

Randy says he is “singing his face off” – hitting notes. (Randy pockets another $5000 for mentioning Nokia) Paula waxes poetic with, “Song in his heart and a guitar in his hands… Paula true Paula. It “wasn’t a winning moment” for Simon. “6.5 out of 10″ Wow. Not so good DC…

The best quote of the night, Paula Abdul… “It wasn’t the winning song of the night!” Whaaaat? I think I see a chink in David Cook’s armor. He just looked uncomfortable. His face has doubt in it.

Archie – sings In this Moment. What is that anchor coat he has on? He
sounds like a Jr Josh Groban, but what is he wearing???? Oh Davey you just
closed your eyes for a real long time. Who is going to crap about that? I
have to ask myself – do the judges think he did worse than the Cook?

Randy – “the song was not dope, but you in the zone you could sing the PHONE BOOK” originality again! Holy crud Batman…Get a NEW line! Paula is just ’stupid’. On fire and you’re there cause you’re there. Simon loves Archuleta and states, Round 2 went to Archuleta. That’s 2 for 2 for a guy named David. Hey I woulda won that prediction… hehe

Then we put up with Jim Lampley again! What is with this guy? I mean I
like sports, I love sports. I am a sports NUT. But Jim Lampley (who by the
way for all you girls, is a sportscaster titled a Boxing analyst) is OVER, DONE KAPUT I don’t want him talking about stupid boxing analogies and what a fight does to a body??? GET OFF!!!

Round 3 – Their choice

Collective Soul – UGH I don’t like the start of Cooks song. It sounds like
he is straying from what he was supposed to sound like. He is sporting a
black Johnny Cash shirt and red tie combo, wait he doesn’t look like Johnny Cash, he looks like ZORRO! Where is Antonio Banderas in the audience? Oh and there it is again, the fake Mattel Guitar with the 3 chord strumming action sound, available at Toys R Us on sale this week for $19.99.

Oh and what would his final performance be without a cry at the end? Booooo! – goin for the tear vote David Cook! Rockers do NOT sell out dude! Wow – the sensitive side was completely fake!!! Well maybe not fake, but extremely FORCED.

Randy “this is the type of record you could make”. Paula stands up and takes off her dress. Errrrrr! And stated, “I look up there at the stage and see you standing there in your truth and your originality and integrity and… Snoooze, Paula please sit down. Simon starts out by saying that he thinks Cook is the nicest most sincere contestants on American Idol and then states that his song was utterly the wrong choice. Wow! Simon blasts the originality button and says he should have sung Billie Jean or Hello. Mr. Cockiness tries to put Simon in his place. Says something about ‘progression’ and throws a right hook at Archie about singing a son he has already performed. Bzzzz. Doesn’t work.

Archie ends the show with Imagine… I was expecting him to come out behind
the piano. But he chooses to stand center stage with get this, the exact white jeans jacket that I wore in the 10th grade!… 22 years ago!!!! And there he goes closing his eyes. And judging by the audience cheering throughout his entire final performance, if there was a vote of audience members…they basically told you to mail it in…. Archie is the winner hands down!

Randy – goes to the “So good and this is exactly what this show is about!!!”
“Best singer of season 7 is RIGHT THERE!!!” Paula does not stand up and take anything off and implores the crowd to cheer him on. Simon completely lays it down with, “David you came out here to win tonight and we witnessed a Knockout!” Nice close up of the evening Fight Night Theme.

Ok so folks… The judges basically proclaimed David Archuleta as the WINNER – the IDOL!!! Oh my! Can it be? They resoundingly agreed. No votes necessary America. If Cook wins on votes – they should find 3 new judges because they flat out handed him the keys to the kingdom tonight!

Parting remarks, Seacrest and his eyeliner…send the show off and it is voting time!

Oh wait there is a FREIGHT TRAIN on the stage! That guy is Huuuuge!!! How
did he find a suit… Oh yeah Big and Tall – I am sure he was on the BIG
side of the store! Go Rubeus Hagrid!

I am making one final A.I.R. Prediction.. Until next year of course … The winner of Idol Season 7.. In a stunning SHOCKER!!! DAVID COOK! Yes folks, with a final conspiracy theory #108…the judges, by backing Archuleta succeeded in getting more telephone calls and Cook wins in a nail biter!!!

Please celebrate me home!!!! – Rube

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